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Archive for June, 2006
The avid golfer
Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question.
“Before I agree to come [...]
Sharks
A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning.
As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.
Most of those aboard [...]
Things To Do When You’re Bored
Wax the ceiling
Rearrange political campaign signs
Sharpen your teeth
Play Houdini with one of your siblings
Braid your dog’s hair
Clean and polish your belly button
Water your dog…see if he grows
Wash a tree
Knight yourself
Name your child Edsel
Scare Stephen King
Give your cat a mohawk
Purr
Mow your carpet
Play Pat Boone records backwards
Vacuum your lawn
Whine
Rake your carpet
Reelect Richard Nixon
Critique “Three’s Company”
Listen to a [...]
The Days of Black & White TV
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
“Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.”
Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked [...]
A Note From A Senior Citizen
What are seniors citizens worth? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.
As for myself, I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, [...]
Waiting For The Bank Teller
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?”
“Well,” said the guy, “You see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were [...]
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on “THIS” side of the road before it goes after the problem on the “OTHER SIDE” of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking [...]
The Perfect Husband!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in theroom stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me!? Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this [...]
Good One-Liners
What did one ghost say to another?
Do you believe in people?
~~~~~
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
~~~~~
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
~~~~~
Do you think I”ll [...]
