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Archive for July, 2006
Instructions
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer - “Do not use while sleeping.”
(Damn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron - “Do not iron clothes on body”
(but wouldn’t this save me more time?)
On a bag of Fritos - You could […]
Evolution
In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s and Krispy Creme. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And man said, […]
Do you think I’ll live to be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?” “Oh […]
Longevity
Winner of Reader’s Digest best joke:
~~~~~~~~~~~
An 82-year old man in West Virginia was asked by a reporter to what he attributed his longevity. The man replied, “Turkey hunting”.
“Really? How old was your father when he died?”
“Who told you he was dead?”
“He’s not?”
“No, he’s out turkey hunting now. He’s 102!”
“That’s incredible! How old was his father […]
Humor about Flying
Summer and fliing season is there. All too rarely, do airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently […]
The Magician and The Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: […]
Black & White
Under age 40 - You might not understand
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go;
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
“Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.”
Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June;
It felt so good. It felt so […]
Insurance Claims
Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes found by a UK insurance company:
“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.”
“On the M6 motorway I moved from the center lane to the […]
The Fortune Teller
A woman goes to visit a fortune-teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman […]
The Classifieds
Actually ads…..
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must […]
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