Instructions

For You

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer - “Do not use while sleeping.”
(Damn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron - “Do not iron clothes on body”
(but wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On a bag of Fritos - You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (x-ray vision anyone?)

On a bar of Dial soap - “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(as opposed to???….)

On some Swanson frozen dinners - “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s just a suggestion).

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) - “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)

On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine - “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid - “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”

(and I’m taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights - “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(and here I was going to use them, uh, hmmmm?)

On a Japanese food processor - “Not to be used for the other use.”
(Somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts - “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts - “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(so I shouldn’t eat the package too?)

On a child’s Superman costume - “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw - “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Oh my God…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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