Archives for December 2006

I spupose erveynoe has raed tihs

I spupose erveynoe has raed tihs Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy,
it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer
is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter
by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Great Things About Getting Older

By rainy Leave a Comment

Great Things About Getting Older

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Your eyes won’t get much worse.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

When I’m an Old Lady

By rainy Leave a Comment

When I’m an old lady,
I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…
just as they did.

I want to pay back
all the joy they’ve provided,
Returning each deed.
Oh, they’ll be so excited!

I’ll write on the wall
with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture
wearing my shoes.

I’ll drink from the carton
and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets
and oh, how they’ll shout!

When they’re on the phone
and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things
like sugar and bleach,

Oh, they’ll snap their fingers
and then shake their head,
And when that is done
I’ll hide under the bed!

When they cook dinner
and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans
or salad or meat.

I’ll gag on my okra,
spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry
I’ll run… if I’m able!

I’ll sit close to the TV,
through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both my eyes
just to see if they stick.

I’ll take off my socks
and throw one away,
And play in the mud
’til the end of the day!

And later in bed,
I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer
and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down
with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan,
“She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”

Living Will

By rainy Leave a Comment

Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

Nor in the hands of lawyers/doctors who are interested simply in running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Bloody Mary
Margarita
Scotch and soda
Martini
Vodka and Tonic
steak
lobster or crab legs
the remote control
bowl of ice cream
the sports page
chocolate
or sex

…it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call a New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: _________________________
Date: _____________________________

I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.