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Archive for the 'Jokes about aging' Category
(Chronologically Listed)
You May Be Getting Old If…
You May Be Getting Old If…
You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
When I’m an Old Lady
When I’m an old lady,
I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…
just as they did.
I want to pay back
all the joy they’ve provided,
Returning each deed.
Oh, they’ll be so excited!
I’ll write on the wall
with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture
wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton
and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the [...]
Quotes from George Burns
George Burns Quotes
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
At my age flowers scare me.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
Bridge is a game that separates the men [...]
Watch out, you senior citizens! (Part 2)
Part two…from Mom!
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Very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, [...]
Watch out, you senior citizens! (Part 1)
My mother sent these in….
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I [...]
Do you think I’ll live to be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?” “Oh [...]
Longevity
Winner of Reader’s Digest best joke:
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An 82-year old man in West Virginia was asked by a reporter to what he attributed his longevity. The man replied, “Turkey hunting”.
“Really? How old was your father when he died?”
“Who told you he was dead?”
“He’s not?”
“No, he’s out turkey hunting now. He’s 102!”
“That’s incredible! How old was his father [...]
The gunshot
Aging Ruth, was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Gabriel. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Gabe’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot [...]
When I’m an old lady and live with my kids
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)
When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they’ll be so excited!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)
I’ll write on the wall [...]
90 year old father?
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkups.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better,” the old man replied.” I’ve got a twenty-year-old bride who’s pregnant & is about to deliver a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?” the old man asked.
The doctor thought for a moment, then says, ” [...]
