Smile, Giggle, Laugh... Your Life Depends On It.
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You May Be Getting Old If…
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When I’m an old lady,
I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…
just as they did.
I want to pay back
all the joy they’ve provided,
Returning each deed.
Oh, they’ll be so excited!
I’ll write on the wall
with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture
wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton
and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets
and oh, how they’ll shout!
When they’re on the phone
and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things
like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they’ll snap their fingers
and then shake their head,
And when that is done
I’ll hide under the bed!
When they cook dinner
and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans
or salad or meat.
I’ll gag on my okra,
spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry
I’ll run… if I’m able!
I’ll sit close to the TV,
through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both my eyes
just to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks
and throw one away,
And play in the mud
’til the end of the day!
And later in bed,
I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer
and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down
with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan,
“She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”
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George Burns Quotes
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
At my age flowers scare me.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.
First of all you’ve got to have talent. And then you’ve got to marry her like I did.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman – it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
How can I die? I’m booked.
I can’t afford to die – I’d lose too much money.
I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.”
If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.
I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Look to the future, because that is where you’ll spend the rest of your life.
Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
There are two kinds of cruises – pleasure and with children.
This is the sixth book I’ve written, which isn’t bad for a guy who’s only read two.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
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Part two…from Mom!
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Very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”
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A gentleman went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said “Your hearing is perfect Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?” “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.” “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” “I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?”
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. “Where’s my toast?”
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Thanks Mom!