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Living Will

Posted on December 6, 2006 Written by rainy Leave a Comment

Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

Nor in the hands of lawyers/doctors who are interested simply in running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Bloody Mary
Margarita
Scotch and soda
Martini
Vodka and Tonic
steak
lobster or crab legs
the remote control
bowl of ice cream
the sports page
chocolate
or sex

…it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call a New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: _________________________
Date: _____________________________

I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.

Filed Under: Baby Boomers!, General Jokes, Senior Jokes

My Resignation

Posted on November 27, 2006 Written by rainy Leave a Comment

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities
of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald’s
and think that it’s a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle
and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money
because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree
and run a lemonade stand with my friends
on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple;
when all you knew were colours,
multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes,
but that didn’t bother you,
because you didn’t know what you didn’t know
and you didn’t care.

All you knew was to be happy
because you were blissfully unaware
of all the things that should make you worried
or upset.

I want to think the world is fair;
that everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life
and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.
I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of paperwork,
depressing news,
how to survive more days in the month
than there is money in the bank,
doctor bills,
gossip,
illness,
and the loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs,
and a kind word;
truth,
justice,
peace,
dreams,
imagination,
mankind,
and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here’s my checkbook and my car-keys,
my credit card bills and my 401K statements.

I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further,
you’ll have to catch me first, cause……..

……”Tag! You’re it.”

Filed Under: Baby Boomers!, General Jokes, Senior Jokes

Wisdom and Age

Posted on November 26, 2006 Written by rainy Leave a Comment

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!” says the leopard, “That w as close! That old poodle nearly
had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

“Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story….

Don’t mess with old farts…age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

*************

Thanks Mom!

Filed Under: Baby Boomers!, General Jokes, Senior Jokes

ADD – Boomer Style

Posted on November 18, 2006 Written by rainy Leave a Comment

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of coke that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need to be watered. I set the coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm bottle of coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.

Filed Under: Baby Boomers!, General Jokes, Pass it On

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About Me

Left handed, Gemini Baby Boomer, circa 1955. Loved Mickey Mouse, Motown and being my own personal United Nations. I miss watching Grade B Sci-Fi, eating those big crunchy dill pickles out of a jar and swooning over some long forgotten star. The one thing I know for sure... we've got to laugh. I've waited a long time to cultivate my graying hair and be able to call someone "sunny boy".

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