- Save the whales. Collect the whole set
- A day without sunshine is, like, night
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. [Read more…]
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, “I’d like to hear them say…… LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!!!”
Thanks Mom and Uncle Dale!
George Burns Quotes
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
At my age flowers scare me.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.
First of all you’ve got to have talent. And then you’ve got to marry her like I did.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman – it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
How can I die? I’m booked.
I can’t afford to die – I’d lose too much money.
I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.”
If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.
I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Look to the future, because that is where you’ll spend the rest of your life.
Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
There are two kinds of cruises – pleasure and with children.
This is the sixth book I’ve written, which isn’t bad for a guy who’s only read two.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans.
Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives.
Tattoo “Out to Lunch” on your forehead.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription to “Sleazoid Weekly” and send it to your boss’s wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Tell you boss to “blow it out your mule” and let him figure it out.
Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
Polish your car with earwax.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
Read the dictionary backwards and look for sublimal messages.
Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.
Do your assignments in binary code.