Senior Jokes – Page 18

Pet Rooster (slightly risque)

Posted on May 5, 2006 Written by rainy Leave a Comment

An old farmer went to town to see a move. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go Chucky goes.”

“I’m sorry sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theater.”

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.

He sad down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

“Marge,” whisptered Mildred.

“What?” said Marge.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.

“He undid his pants and he has you know what out” whisptered Mildred.

“Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge. “Heck at our age we’ve seen ’em all.”

“I thought so too,” said Mildred, “but this one’s eatin’ my popcorn”!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~

contributed by Sharlene
Thanks!

The Hypnotist

Posted on May 2, 2006 Written by rainy Leave a Comment

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, “Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…” The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly…it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. Shit!” said the Hypnotist…

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.

Contributed by Dennis…Thanks!

25 Signs that Your Getting OLD

Posted on April 30, 2006 Written by rainy Leave a Comment

1. You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

13. You answer a question with, “Because I said so.”

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word “equity” means.

18. You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

25. People send you this list.

Dementia Test

Posted on April 26, 2006 Written by rainy Leave a Comment

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; “If you don’t use it, you will lose it,” also applies to the brain, so…..

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still “with it.”

OK, relax, clear your mind and…. begin.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: “bread.” If you said “toast,” then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, “bread,” go to Question 2.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk.” What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,” please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as Children’s World.”

If you said “water,” proceed to question 3

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, “green bricks,” what the devil are you still doing reading these questions?????

If you said “glass,” then go on to Question 4.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the plane crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany .

Where would you bury the survivors? . . . in East Germany, West Germany or in “no man’s land”?

Answer: You do not, in any circumstances, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated.

If you said, “Don’t bury the survivors,” proceed to question 5

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree! .. If you said, “360 degrees” or anything other than one degree,” you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the room.

Everyone else proceed to the final question.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

6. Without using a calculator — You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember?

It was YOU!!

Thank you Kay!