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Quickies

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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid’s

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka……………………..Lame

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? !
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer

Write it down!

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There was an elderly couple in their 80s that was having trouble with their memory, so their doctor recommended they start writing everything down on paper.

A couple of days later the man started towards the kitchen and his wife asked him where he was going. “To get a drink of water” he replied. She asked “will you get me a bowl of vanilla ice cream while you’re up” and he replied that he would. On his way to the kitchen, she warned him that he wouldn’t remember and should write it down. He stated “I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream”. She again stated “you better write it down…you won’t remember”.

She then asked if he might also put strawberries on top of that ice cream. He agreed. She warned him “you better write it down”. Disgruntled, he stated “I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream with strawberries on it” She then asked “would you also put some whipped cream on top of that ice cream and strawberries?” He agreed. Once again she warned “you better write it down…you won’t remember”. He once again stated “I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on top”. She finally said “well all right, but you know what the doctor said…and you won’t remember”.

The man finally arrived back from the kitchen after about 10 minutes and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She proceeded to get upset with him stating “I told you that you better write it down…that you wouldn’t remember….YOU FORGOT THE TOAST!

The avid golfer

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Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question.

“Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course you have here” he said to St. Peter.

“That shouldn’t matter to you.” said St. Peter.

“But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed “Well if I can’t see it, then I’m not coming in!”

“Very well Michael. As you wish…look through the gates.” He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him sick to his stomach.

“Forget it. There is no way in Hell I’m going to spend eternity playing on that course!”

Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. “Come over here and see what I have to offer.” Michael peers through the gate and he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says “I want to play THAT course!”

“Ok. Step on through and it’s yours forever.”

St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said “I can’t wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with laughter. “Oh, there aren’t any.”