An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken.
The lady replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, “Nine.”
The judge said, “Well then, I’m going to give you nine days in jail–one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes, what do you have to add?”
The husband said, “Your honor, she also stole a can of peas.”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”
Aging Ruth,Â was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Gabriel. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Gabe’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to her children, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, “Your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night, Ruth was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.